Welcome back to the Internet's favorite football blog. Our special guest star this week is the 11-year-old pundit's grandfather Lenny, who will intermittently chime in with the pointed questions and fabulous fabrications for which he is so justly renowned.
Q. from Lenny: Here's my question. In England, one of their favorite sports is called football. In the U.S., a favorite sport... also called football. What is the difference between these two footballs?
One is round, and one is a strange diamond shape.
Q. from Jeff: What exactly does it prove when a team racks up 35 points in one quarter? Was it bad sportsmanship? Do you think the Patriots should have let up on the hapless Titans?
They couldn't help themselves -- it was too hard to let up against the Titans, who are suddenly looking terrible.
Q. from Lenny: Who invented football in the United States?
I don't know, actually.
Lenny says: Amos Alonzo Stagg.
Q. from Jeff: Obviously my dad's questions are going to be decidedly different from my own. Here's my next one: How overwhelmingly dominant are the New Orleans Saints? Is it offense or defense which is the key to their undefeated season so far?
Offense, definitely. 27 points isn't that great -- it's just scoring 48 points that makes you win.
Q. from Lenny: If Rush Limbaugh were allowed to buy the St. Louis Rams, in your opinion, would this be good, bad, or indifferent for the team?
It would be bad for their image, and I don't understand how it would help the team itself, because he would be a minority owner in the group.
Lenny: That's a good answer.
Q. from Jeff: Who's the NFL MVP at this point? I know I ask this every couple of weeks, but the answer changes as the season wears on.
As of now, it seems like Drew Brees.
Lenny: You think?
Henry: No one's doing better.
Q. from Lenny: What's your opinion of the Atlanta Falcons?
They're okay, but they could be doing a lot better. They're somewhat of a disappointment.
Q. from Jeff: Vultures are circling Jim Zorn. Would you fire him? And if so, whom would you replace him with?
After losing to the winless Chiefs, it does seem like something needs to be changed with the Redskins -- and it has. Zorn has given up the play-calling duties. If he were to be fired, then I'd expect the Redskins to hire a defensive coach.
Q. from Lenny: Why doesn't the NFL play teams from other countries?
Well, they used to in the preseason -- they played against the Canadian Football League -- but alternating sets of rules became too much of a hassle.
Q. from Jeff: Your fantasy team came in for a bit of a pounding this week. I'm starting to see an essential unfairness built into fantasy football, 'cause if you don't carry the right players, there's simply no way you can win. Thoughts?
Well, that's somewhat the point of fantasy football -- you have to choose the right players.
Q. from Lenny: What is a safety, and how many points do you get?
A safety is when the ball goes out the back of the end zone, or a penalty occurs in the end zone. You get two points.
Q. written by the analyst himself! Are the Raiders any good? They somehow beat Philadelphia.
I wouldn't get my hopes up. Two wins and four losses isn't something to be proud of.
Last Q. from Lenny: Who would you like to buy control of the St. Louis Rams?
Someone who knows what they're doing. It seems like Dave Checketts, who owns a hockey team, would have some experience.
Q.: Why, oh why, did the Ravens' kicker miss that final field goal? I do not know how much more of this Favrvrvrvrvre saga I can stand.
Steven Hauschka is a second-year, inexperienced kicker. Still, he needs to make those kicks.
Q.: My favorite moment of the weekend was the insipid, childish pout on the face of Jay and His Cutlery after he failed to steer the Bears to victory against the Falcons. Name your three favorite moments of the weekend.
1. Raiders run out the clock on Philadelphia.
2. Bills upset the Jets.
3. Dante Wesley gets suspended for his hit on Clifton Smith.
Q.: Finally, after an uncharacteristically chaotic blogging session, we come to America's favorite part, where Hen gets to type whatever he wants.
Six overtime games in six weeks... at this rate, there will be seventeen when the regular season ends. There were fifteen last year.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
NFL Week 5 Interview - Things Which Don't Make Sense Edition
Hello again, folks. Welcome back to the only major Internet sports blog which features the deep musings of an 11-year-old football analyst. This week our theme is Things Which Don't Make Sense, but first...
Q. Tell us about your fantasy team's stunning blowout victory this week. What's the secret to Hypnotic's impressive three-game winning streak, and their climb to second place in the league?
Well, I only won this game because Mcmuffin started three players, including Drew Brees, who were on bye weeks.
Q. Okay, on to our theme. I want to talk about a dozen Things Which Don't Make Sense five weeks into the NFL season. Thing One is, of course, the 5-0 Denver Broncos. No more can we say that they've only beaten cupcake teams -- the Pats went down, and went down hard. What do you foresee for the team from Mile High over the next several weeks?
Well, in a somewhat weak division, they'll continue to win some of their games. But they face the Chargers in Week 6, the Ravens in Week 8, the Steelers in week 9, the Chargers again in week 11, the Giants in week 12 on Thursday night, the Colts in week 14 and the Eagles in week 16. In other words, a ridiculously hard schedule. It'll be hard for them make it to the playoffs, let alone stay undefeated.
Q. Thing Two is the Bengals as division leaders. Is this a tribute to the overall ineptitude of the AFC North, or has Cincy finally put together a team worth watching?
The AFC North, besides Cleveland, is actually really good. The Bengals just seem to be superior this year. Yes, their team is worth watching.
Q. Thing Three: the 0-5 Titans. I've said it before -- this team has long been a fashionable Super Bowl pick, but this year they seem to have fallen off a cliff. Are Tennessee fans in for years of rebuilding, or is this just a bad streak?
I really have no idea. It's ridiculous that such a good team is doing so badly. Rebuilding may not be necessary, but it will be at the quarterback position.
Q. Thing Four: JaMarcus Russell's astounding mediocrity. What happened?? Was he simply rushed into the starting job too soon, or do his problems go deeper than that?
He's never been good at all. In the first few weeks, he played okay, but he doesn't seem to be the answer at quarterback. The Raiders, as usual, are the team that needs years of rebuilding.
Q. Thing Five: Cover boy Brady Quinn's slow slide into irrelevance. Will this guy ever start for an NFL franchise, or is he doomed to a role as a marginal backup?
After Derek Anderson's terrible performance, he seems to be the better quarterback in Cleveland. He may not ever be a consistent starter there.
Q. Thing Six: Kyle Orton suddenly looking like Joe Montana. Is he an anomaly, this year's Rex the Gross Man, or has Snorton finally grown into a starter?
He's looking good, but he's been aided by the performances of others like Brandon Marshall and Knowshon Moreno.
Q. Thing Seven: 250 yards receiving for Miles Austin. Who is this guy? Did he just have a once-in-a-lifetime game, or was this week the coming-out party for a major talent?
He may do a lot better than he did before, but don't expect him to break any more Cowboys records.
Q. Thing Eight: 6 to 3? How does an NFL game end 6-3? Are Cleveland and Buffalo really that bad?
Cleveland is. So is Buffalo, but at least they have some promise. All I can say for Cleveland is "2 FOR 17!".
Q. Thing Nine: I hate to even mention this, but for the past two weeks Big Brett Favrvrvre has actually looked like the gunslinger of yore, rather than the Adrian Peterson Handoff Specialist we saw in Weeks 1-3. Can the 40-year-old phenom keep it up?
For this season, but not any more afterwards. NO MORE FAVRE UNRETIREMENTS!!!!!!!!!
Q. Thing Ten: Seattle wakes up and blows out the mercurial Jaguars. Can the Hogs salvage their season with a healthy Matt Hassle-them-back under center?
I'm sure they can. After all, they looked improved to begin with before Sycamore Wallace came in.
Q. Thing Eleven: Michael Vick disappears from the headlines. Wow, that was quick. Is Kevin Kolb really good enough to make Philly fans forget Michael Pick?
No, but Donovan McNabb is. "Eagles steamroll Bucs in McNabb's return", anyone?
Q. Finally, Thing Twelve: Michael Crabtree signs with the Niners. Do you think they had to agree to buy into his "I would have gone higher" fantasies in order to make the deal?
No, he probably was the one that gave in, when the 49ersdestroyed the Rams showed some promise.
Q. Now, in the world of things which do make sense, here's the place where Hen gets to type whatever he wants.
I wonder if Derek Anderson broke the record for fewest completions in 17 attempts...
Q. Tell us about your fantasy team's stunning blowout victory this week. What's the secret to Hypnotic's impressive three-game winning streak, and their climb to second place in the league?
Well, I only won this game because Mcmuffin started three players, including Drew Brees, who were on bye weeks.
Q. Okay, on to our theme. I want to talk about a dozen Things Which Don't Make Sense five weeks into the NFL season. Thing One is, of course, the 5-0 Denver Broncos. No more can we say that they've only beaten cupcake teams -- the Pats went down, and went down hard. What do you foresee for the team from Mile High over the next several weeks?
Well, in a somewhat weak division, they'll continue to win some of their games. But they face the Chargers in Week 6, the Ravens in Week 8, the Steelers in week 9, the Chargers again in week 11, the Giants in week 12 on Thursday night, the Colts in week 14 and the Eagles in week 16. In other words, a ridiculously hard schedule. It'll be hard for them make it to the playoffs, let alone stay undefeated.
Q. Thing Two is the Bengals as division leaders. Is this a tribute to the overall ineptitude of the AFC North, or has Cincy finally put together a team worth watching?
The AFC North, besides Cleveland, is actually really good. The Bengals just seem to be superior this year. Yes, their team is worth watching.
Q. Thing Three: the 0-5 Titans. I've said it before -- this team has long been a fashionable Super Bowl pick, but this year they seem to have fallen off a cliff. Are Tennessee fans in for years of rebuilding, or is this just a bad streak?
I really have no idea. It's ridiculous that such a good team is doing so badly. Rebuilding may not be necessary, but it will be at the quarterback position.
Q. Thing Four: JaMarcus Russell's astounding mediocrity. What happened?? Was he simply rushed into the starting job too soon, or do his problems go deeper than that?
He's never been good at all. In the first few weeks, he played okay, but he doesn't seem to be the answer at quarterback. The Raiders, as usual, are the team that needs years of rebuilding.
Q. Thing Five: Cover boy Brady Quinn's slow slide into irrelevance. Will this guy ever start for an NFL franchise, or is he doomed to a role as a marginal backup?
After Derek Anderson's terrible performance, he seems to be the better quarterback in Cleveland. He may not ever be a consistent starter there.
Q. Thing Six: Kyle Orton suddenly looking like Joe Montana. Is he an anomaly, this year's Rex the Gross Man, or has Snorton finally grown into a starter?
He's looking good, but he's been aided by the performances of others like Brandon Marshall and Knowshon Moreno.
Q. Thing Seven: 250 yards receiving for Miles Austin. Who is this guy? Did he just have a once-in-a-lifetime game, or was this week the coming-out party for a major talent?
He may do a lot better than he did before, but don't expect him to break any more Cowboys records.
Q. Thing Eight: 6 to 3? How does an NFL game end 6-3? Are Cleveland and Buffalo really that bad?
Cleveland is. So is Buffalo, but at least they have some promise. All I can say for Cleveland is "2 FOR 17!".
Q. Thing Nine: I hate to even mention this, but for the past two weeks Big Brett Favrvrvre has actually looked like the gunslinger of yore, rather than the Adrian Peterson Handoff Specialist we saw in Weeks 1-3. Can the 40-year-old phenom keep it up?
For this season, but not any more afterwards. NO MORE FAVRE UNRETIREMENTS!!!!!!!!!
Q. Thing Ten: Seattle wakes up and blows out the mercurial Jaguars. Can the Hogs salvage their season with a healthy Matt Hassle-them-back under center?
I'm sure they can. After all, they looked improved to begin with before Sycamore Wallace came in.
Q. Thing Eleven: Michael Vick disappears from the headlines. Wow, that was quick. Is Kevin Kolb really good enough to make Philly fans forget Michael Pick?
No, but Donovan McNabb is. "Eagles steamroll Bucs in McNabb's return", anyone?
Q. Finally, Thing Twelve: Michael Crabtree signs with the Niners. Do you think they had to agree to buy into his "I would have gone higher" fantasies in order to make the deal?
No, he probably was the one that gave in, when the 49ers
Q. Now, in the world of things which do make sense, here's the place where Hen gets to type whatever he wants.
I wonder if Derek Anderson broke the record for fewest completions in 17 attempts...
Monday, October 05, 2009
NFL Week 4 Interview
Rrrrrr. So sick of the whole Brett Favrvrvrvre business that I barely have the strength to type these words. But still, the blog must go on. We're here with our resident 11-year-old football analyst for a quicker-than-usual rundown of all the action in Week 4.
Q. A very quick Brett bit of business. Are you impressed by the news that Brett is the only quarterback in NFL history to have beaten all 32 NFL teams?
Definitely. Quarterbacks don't play against, say, teams in the other conference, that often.
Q. I know we touched on this last week, but the Broncos are, incredibly, 4-0. First of all, do you find this a more difficult team to dislike, what with the departure of the Rat-Coach and Jay and His Cutlery? And second, is this a genuinely good team, or just a fast starter which is bound to flame out at some point?
Two of their wins have been ridiculously lucky, but they have talent. They certainly are hard to hate. I don't think it'll be easy for them to finish the season the way they've started it.
Q. Coach Death Pool: Who will be the first coach to lose his job, and why?
It's hard to tell. The coaches of bad teams are all in their first season.
Q. When will Detroit pick up their next victory?
Against the Rams. Worst team in the NFL.
Q. Would you start Tyler Thigpen in Miami?
I thought it would be a good idea before yesterday. Chad Henne had a decent game, so I don't see why they shouldn't start him.
Q. I think that with their latest blowout by the 49ers, your assertion that the Rams are the worst team in the NFL has officially been borne out. What are three things that need to be done to rebuild this franchise?
1) Get a new, non-bust quarterback
2) Find a good coach
3) Draft wisely in general
Q. Will Terrell Owens ever be relevant again?
Because of his big mouth, he'll always be relevant for the media until he retires.
Q. Do you think Tom Brady is back to pre-injury form?
It sure seems like he is. The team isn't as good as it was when he won his third Super Bowl in four years.
Q. What the heck happened to the Titans, a fashionable preseason Super Bowl pick? Do you think they can rebound from their dismal start? What will it take?
I don't know what they can do. Chris Johnson will have to have some great games. And the AFC South is probably now the toughest AFC division.
Q. The Seahawks' electric green uniforms: worst uniform in history? Discuss. If there's a worse one, tell us what it is.
Well, I have absolutely no idea where the uniforms came from, or why Seattle wore them. At least they're not as bad as the original Bucs uniforms.
Q. If you were the Niners, would you renew talks with Michael Crabtree? Why/why not?
Well, after shutting out a division rival, I don't know if they need him. They don't seem to even care about his fantasies about being picked seventh overall.
Q. Is the Redskins' victory over the How Much Does That Corn Cost Buccaneers meaningful, or just a beatdown of a miserable opponent?
It wasn't a beatdown, it was a three-point victory. Still, it was almost an embarrassing loss, and it doesn't mean much in the big picture.
Q. What did you think of all the pink breast cancer awareness uniform accents? Who did it the best?
Chad Ochocinco's were the most noticeable, and talked-about, accents. I haven't seen anything particularly interesting enough to outdo him.
Q. New Orleans: unstoppable Super Bowl team?
So far, they've been unstoppable, but they probably will slip up sometime. Against Atlanta, hopefully.
Q. I know you are reluctant to pick a favorite NFL player. Who do you think is the most likable player?
Well, I'm not sure about this one. Reggie Wayne is pretty likable.
Q. Do you have a favorite coach?
Maybe Mike Tomlin.
Q. I like to check in on this occasionally: what are your most despised sports clichés?
"Left to right on your radio". Is something moving across my radio? Also,
"As cool as the other side of the pillow". *cough*Stuart Scott*cough*
Q. Jon Gruden: good broadcaster or lousy?
He's decent. He's a nice color commentator to replace Kornheiser.
Q. Has playing fantasy football enhanced your enjoyment of the game? How's your team doing?
My team's now 2-2. Hopefully I can continue my winning streak against "Mcmuffin".
Q. Finally, do you have a favorite sportswriter? A while back you picked a favorite sports book, but I've forgotten what it was. What is it these days?
I don't know many sportwriters, but I've always liked Sal Paolantonio's book, The Paolantonio Report.
Q. Now comes the point where Hen gets to type whatever he wants.
The question is, who will be the first quarterback to lose to all 32 teams?
Q. A very quick Brett bit of business. Are you impressed by the news that Brett is the only quarterback in NFL history to have beaten all 32 NFL teams?
Definitely. Quarterbacks don't play against, say, teams in the other conference, that often.
Q. I know we touched on this last week, but the Broncos are, incredibly, 4-0. First of all, do you find this a more difficult team to dislike, what with the departure of the Rat-Coach and Jay and His Cutlery? And second, is this a genuinely good team, or just a fast starter which is bound to flame out at some point?
Two of their wins have been ridiculously lucky, but they have talent. They certainly are hard to hate. I don't think it'll be easy for them to finish the season the way they've started it.
Q. Coach Death Pool: Who will be the first coach to lose his job, and why?
It's hard to tell. The coaches of bad teams are all in their first season.
Q. When will Detroit pick up their next victory?
Against the Rams. Worst team in the NFL.
Q. Would you start Tyler Thigpen in Miami?
I thought it would be a good idea before yesterday. Chad Henne had a decent game, so I don't see why they shouldn't start him.
Q. I think that with their latest blowout by the 49ers, your assertion that the Rams are the worst team in the NFL has officially been borne out. What are three things that need to be done to rebuild this franchise?
1) Get a new, non-bust quarterback
2) Find a good coach
3) Draft wisely in general
Q. Will Terrell Owens ever be relevant again?
Because of his big mouth, he'll always be relevant for the media until he retires.
Q. Do you think Tom Brady is back to pre-injury form?
It sure seems like he is. The team isn't as good as it was when he won his third Super Bowl in four years.
Q. What the heck happened to the Titans, a fashionable preseason Super Bowl pick? Do you think they can rebound from their dismal start? What will it take?
I don't know what they can do. Chris Johnson will have to have some great games. And the AFC South is probably now the toughest AFC division.
Q. The Seahawks' electric green uniforms: worst uniform in history? Discuss. If there's a worse one, tell us what it is.
Well, I have absolutely no idea where the uniforms came from, or why Seattle wore them. At least they're not as bad as the original Bucs uniforms.
Q. If you were the Niners, would you renew talks with Michael Crabtree? Why/why not?
Well, after shutting out a division rival, I don't know if they need him. They don't seem to even care about his fantasies about being picked seventh overall.
Q. Is the Redskins' victory over the How Much Does That Corn Cost Buccaneers meaningful, or just a beatdown of a miserable opponent?
It wasn't a beatdown, it was a three-point victory. Still, it was almost an embarrassing loss, and it doesn't mean much in the big picture.
Q. What did you think of all the pink breast cancer awareness uniform accents? Who did it the best?
Chad Ochocinco's were the most noticeable, and talked-about, accents. I haven't seen anything particularly interesting enough to outdo him.
Q. New Orleans: unstoppable Super Bowl team?
So far, they've been unstoppable, but they probably will slip up sometime. Against Atlanta, hopefully.
Q. I know you are reluctant to pick a favorite NFL player. Who do you think is the most likable player?
Well, I'm not sure about this one. Reggie Wayne is pretty likable.
Q. Do you have a favorite coach?
Maybe Mike Tomlin.
Q. I like to check in on this occasionally: what are your most despised sports clichés?
"Left to right on your radio". Is something moving across my radio? Also,
"As cool as the other side of the pillow". *cough*Stuart Scott*cough*
Q. Jon Gruden: good broadcaster or lousy?
He's decent. He's a nice color commentator to replace Kornheiser.
Q. Has playing fantasy football enhanced your enjoyment of the game? How's your team doing?
My team's now 2-2. Hopefully I can continue my winning streak against "Mcmuffin".
Q. Finally, do you have a favorite sportswriter? A while back you picked a favorite sports book, but I've forgotten what it was. What is it these days?
I don't know many sportwriters, but I've always liked Sal Paolantonio's book, The Paolantonio Report.
Q. Now comes the point where Hen gets to type whatever he wants.
The question is, who will be the first quarterback to lose to all 32 teams?
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