Q. Tell us about your fantasy team's stunning blowout victory this week. What's the secret to Hypnotic's impressive three-game winning streak, and their climb to second place in the league?
Well, I only won this game because Mcmuffin started three players, including Drew Brees, who were on bye weeks.
Q. Okay, on to our theme. I want to talk about a dozen Things Which Don't Make Sense five weeks into the NFL season. Thing One is, of course, the 5-0 Denver Broncos. No more can we say that they've only beaten cupcake teams -- the Pats went down, and went down hard. What do you foresee for the team from Mile High over the next several weeks?
Well, in a somewhat weak division, they'll continue to win some of their games. But they face the Chargers in Week 6, the Ravens in Week 8, the Steelers in week 9, the Chargers again in week 11, the Giants in week 12 on Thursday night, the Colts in week 14 and the Eagles in week 16. In other words, a ridiculously hard schedule. It'll be hard for them make it to the playoffs, let alone stay undefeated.
Q. Thing Two is the Bengals as division leaders. Is this a tribute to the overall ineptitude of the AFC North, or has Cincy finally put together a team worth watching?
The AFC North, besides Cleveland, is actually really good. The Bengals just seem to be superior this year. Yes, their team is worth watching.
Q. Thing Three: the 0-5 Titans. I've said it before -- this team has long been a fashionable Super Bowl pick, but this year they seem to have fallen off a cliff. Are Tennessee fans in for years of rebuilding, or is this just a bad streak?
I really have no idea. It's ridiculous that such a good team is doing so badly. Rebuilding may not be necessary, but it will be at the quarterback position.
Q. Thing Four: JaMarcus Russell's astounding mediocrity. What happened?? Was he simply rushed into the starting job too soon, or do his problems go deeper than that?
He's never been good at all. In the first few weeks, he played okay, but he doesn't seem to be the answer at quarterback. The Raiders, as usual, are the team that needs years of rebuilding.
Q. Thing Five: Cover boy Brady Quinn's slow slide into irrelevance. Will this guy ever start for an NFL franchise, or is he doomed to a role as a marginal backup?
After Derek Anderson's terrible performance, he seems to be the better quarterback in Cleveland. He may not ever be a consistent starter there.
Q. Thing Six: Kyle Orton suddenly looking like Joe Montana. Is he an anomaly, this year's Rex the Gross Man, or has Snorton finally grown into a starter?
He's looking good, but he's been aided by the performances of others like Brandon Marshall and Knowshon Moreno.
Q. Thing Seven: 250 yards receiving for Miles Austin. Who is this guy? Did he just have a once-in-a-lifetime game, or was this week the coming-out party for a major talent?
He may do a lot better than he did before, but don't expect him to break any more Cowboys records.
Q. Thing Eight: 6 to 3? How does an NFL game end 6-3? Are Cleveland and Buffalo really that bad?
Cleveland is. So is Buffalo, but at least they have some promise. All I can say for Cleveland is "2 FOR 17!".
Q. Thing Nine: I hate to even mention this, but for the past two weeks Big Brett Favrvrvre has actually looked like the gunslinger of yore, rather than the Adrian Peterson Handoff Specialist we saw in Weeks 1-3. Can the 40-year-old phenom keep it up?
For this season, but not any more afterwards. NO MORE FAVRE UNRETIREMENTS!!!!!!!!!
Q. Thing Ten: Seattle wakes up and blows out the mercurial Jaguars. Can the Hogs salvage their season with a healthy Matt Hassle-them-back under center?
I'm sure they can. After all, they looked improved to begin with before Sycamore Wallace came in.
Q. Thing Eleven: Michael Vick disappears from the headlines. Wow, that was quick. Is Kevin Kolb really good enough to make Philly fans forget Michael Pick?
No, but Donovan McNabb is. "Eagles steamroll Bucs in McNabb's return", anyone?
Q. Finally, Thing Twelve: Michael Crabtree signs with the Niners. Do you think they had to agree to buy into his "I would have gone higher" fantasies in order to make the deal?
No, he probably was the one that gave in, when the 49ers
Q. Now, in the world of things which do make sense, here's the place where Hen gets to type whatever he wants.
I wonder if Derek Anderson broke the record for fewest completions in 17 attempts...
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