NFL Week 14 Interview - Fantasy Playoff Edition

We have just turned off the Cardinals-Niners contest, which has to be the most excruciatingly slow football game in recent memory. Seriously, these teams took over an hour just to play the first quarter. I'm sure even if it takes 'til our eleven-year-old football analyst's bedtime to finish this post, the teams will still be slogging their way through yet another booth review of an obvious Larry Fitzgerald reception.

Q. Well! Lots of extracurricular stuff to start with. Talk about how your fantasy team, Hypnotic, managed to roar into the playoffs with an absolutely spectacular showing this week.

Yep. About seventy points from Marshall, Manning and the Titans combined.

Q. This past weekend you visited the Fox Sports complex in Century City and got a glimpse behind the scenes at Fox NFL Sunday. Share some of your impressions of the day.

Well, it seemed like everyone else was a regular, and we were new. It was nice to learn how pregame shows are filmed.

Q. What did you think of Michael Strahan?

He was rather nice, and the only one of the pregame show people who felt like interacting with us.

Q. Would you like a 12-monitor setup with infrared headsets like they had in the Avocado Room?

I have to admit, flipping through audio inputs on a headset was cool.

Q. Let's take stock of the season thus far. Improbably, there are still two undefeated teams, the Colts and the Saints. Who's stronger?

The Saints. They had to make fewer comebacks earlier in the season, and they have better running backs.

Q. Which is more likely to go undefeated throughout the regular season?

Probably the Saints. December-Cowboys, Bucs and Panthers as opponents. The Colts have the Jags, Counterfeit Bills and the J-E-T-S.

Q. Why? Are they simply going to ease up down the stretch, resting the starters, or are they an unstoppable force?

Even if the Saints rest their starters, they have easier matchups. I think the Colts could probably go undefeated as well, but maybe not if Curtis Painter starts at QB. For Hypnotic's sake, let's hope he doesn't.

Q. Talk about how the Patriots behave in times of adversity. (Bad Citizen Randy Moss is a quitter, hint hint.)

They may have won, and that's mainly what matters, but they sure played a bad game.

Q. Which team with an unimpressive record is most likely to dust themselves off and make a startling playoff run?

None of them. Seriously. If I had to choose a 7-6 team, I would say Baltimore because their schedule is easiest. They just have to beat the Hypocycloids (Steelers) on the twenty-seventh.

Q. As we go team by team, I'd like to start with the Falcons, who looked mighty impressive in a near-upset of the Saints. Has Chris Redman proven himself a viable starter?

Yeah, but as long as Matt Ryan is in Fatlanta, he'll be a backup. Maybe he'll start in St. Louis next year if they draft Suh.

Q. Philly has a lot of offensive firepower, even if Michael Pick is little more than a footnote. Are the Egos one of those Teams to Watch Out For?

I suppose, although it might be difficult to succeed in the playoffs. I predict a loss in the divisional round.

Q. Dallas is collapsing right on schedule. What is the deal with this team and December?

I really don't know. Overconfidence? Wade Phillips said he had a team of winners a week ago. For his sake, hopefully he'll still be in charge of his team of losers next year.

Q. Tennessee beat up on those wascally Wams, but even a 47-7 victory didn't tell me much about this schizophrenic franchise. What's your tite on the Takans?

Well, if they had overcome the Colts, they could be in the playoff race. There's always next year. Kerry Collins could be a Ram too...Adam Schefter thinks Vick could be the starter next year.

Q. Let's talk for a moment about pouty, petulant Jay and His Cutlery. I haven't enjoyed watching a quarterback lose this much since John Elway. What happened to this guy? Was he overrated in Denver, or is he underrated in Chicago?

Neither. He was pretty good in Denver, now he's not great in Chicago.

Q. I'd be surprised if more than five people were interested in the outcome of Buffalo/Kansas City. Do you think the Bills will nab the Ratcoach, or will Shanahan scamper off to nibble at some other team's cheese plate?

Well, the Cowboys' ricotta could be more appetizing, or even the Redskins' if either of those coaches were fired.

Q. I was deeply disappointed to see the Farvrvrve machine roll over the Bengals, 'cause Cincinnati is one of those teams I'd like to see go the distance. Does this loss put a dent in their postseason aspirations?

Only if other AFC teams are smart enough to look at that game tape.

Q. Who is the world is going to start at QB for the Raiders with Bruce Graduate-of-Kowski injured? Dare they allow JaMarcus Fumble to take the field?

They don't have a choice.

Q. What was your take on the Heisman Trophy? Did Ingram deserve it, or would you have gone with a boy named Suh?

I honestly hoped Suh would win. I like that guy.

Q. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this season of Friday Night Lights.

Well, it's okay. Some of the storylines are mind-numbingly boring. I could use more football.

Q. Speed game! Write the first phrase that comes to mind when I mention the following miserable franchises:

Bills ....................Former coach Jauron
Steelers .................Roethlisberger
Browns ...................Flash formation
Jaguars ..................Garrard
Texans ...................2002
Redskins .................Campbell's Soup
Lions ....................Browns-Lions
Panthers ................."Daylight coming, you gotta Delhomme"
Bucs .....................Corn on the cob
Seahawks .................Hassle them back

Q. Now comes the point where Hen gets to type whatever he wants.

Even though I predicted that the Ravens would get the sixth seed, I still want them to lose to the Raiders in Week 17.